Monday, 1 February 2010

part 6

So I have a bit of spare time on my hands and have been rarely organised with uni work, so here's part 6.

OK, so, I got into the sixth form my Dad wanted me to go to. The first week/day/month was a bit of a blur. It was SO different to high school. The high school I went to was an all girls Islamic school and the sixth form was an all girls normal sixth form. It was so weird. We went to a residential trip which was fun, but I realised that the girls in my new sixth form were just too different. So us four (there were four of us from the high school that went to this sixth form) decided to stick together.

At first, I was determined to lose weight. I went to the school gym every week on a wednesday afternoon. I was walking for at least 30 mins a day. I was getting really bad muscle cramps though, on my calves. They would bloat up and go all red. My fitness levels were not improving enough and I barely lost any weight. I enjoyed exercising though. I couldn't go to the gym anymore once the workload was unbearable and I'd started voluntary work.

I was so overwhelmed by everything. It takes me so long to get used to a person, to a school, a way of life etc.. and I was finding it hard to find my feet. The work was very challenging to GCSE stu.ff too. I felt like I had gone to a grade A*/A student to a D overnight. I didn't really realise how much I was slipping. I thought I was doing OK, I was on top of things.

Until I got the mark of a physics test back and got 17%- my lowest EVER. I completely freaked out. How could this be happening. Yet by that point, it was almost too late to change it. My grades were slipping in everything apart from Economics. Which, thankfully, I seemed to have a natural flair for.

My cousin's wedding was in november, so I went to London. I had such a beautiful dress to wear- and it fit! woop! I felt really confident because it was so nice. But on the last day, I was forced to wear this really tight shalwar kameez, and I was feeling so self-conscious. I just stood there and watched my relatives say goodbye to each other. It was like I was in a trance. A state of unhappiness. I knew that one of my cousins could sense how unhappy I was. She didn't say anything though.

I was slowly declining into my annual winter depression or seasonal affected disorder- whatever. And of course, I didn't realise it at the time. I remember I went on a residential trip called "medlink" which was a useful course for aspiring medics to attend. And one of the girls- who is one of them skinnyyy girls- was talking about how she wanted to lose half a stone more. I told her that she was just being stupid, and she didn't need to lose it. She told me who was I to judge whether or not she needed to lose it, it was her own decision, not mine. And I got so angry and left to go eat somem Cadbury's chocolate buttons (!)- I kid you not! Looking back on it, I was jealous in a sense that she could lose the weight. It wasn't the issue that she needed to lose it, it's that she could lose it. And no matter what the fuck I did, I couldn't. I was so mad.

Looking back on some of the pictures taken from this residential- OMG! I had obviously had hypothyroidism for a while now, and it was starting to show. My eyes had puffed out, and I just looked ill. None of my family saw it, and neither did I. But looking back on it now, all the signs were there.

At the same time, I wasn't happy. I'd met a great girl in our year, we had so much in common. We just got along really well. We didn't have any classes together, but we'd still see each other. And slowly, over time, we'd drifted apart. And it really hurt, because we got along so well. We just didn't talk anymore. We didn't hate each other either. It was weird. I couldn't seem to accept it. I'd never really been through anything like this before.

January to february is a bit of a blur. I can't remember anything significant happening then. I just carried on I guess. Work was becoming alright and I was sort-of emerging from my blues. Things seemed to be improving.

When you get a cold and your Asian, for my family there is an obvious solution. You get your Mum to rub oil on your joints- which is the joints at your elbows, the joints behind your knees and your kneck. Also generally your arms and legs too with warm oil. So I had a cold, and my Mum was doing this and she was worried because she said the skin on my legs looked as if it was ripping, as if it was stretched to it's maximum point. This skin was on the back of my legs so I had no clue what she was talking about.

She suggested that we go to the GP. She might be able to refer me to a dietician or give me weight loss tips. My Mum didn't know how the GP would help me, but she thought it was worth a try.

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