The fine line between advising and judging

I still remember quite vividly the high school PHSE lesson we were taught regarding nasiha. Nasiha means giving good counsel and advice. We concluded by saying that nasiha should be given thoughtfully and honestly, so as not to embarass the person, but to sincerely advise them on something. We were always taught that the believers are like mirrors to one another, and should correct each other's faults (in an appropriate manner).

So why is it that now, I don't receive nasiha from my sisters in Islam? Why am I scared to give nasiha? I know there's a fine line between being judgmental and sincerely giving advice, but sometimes I feel I should say something but I don't know how. I feel it's not my place to say anything, because the general consensus seems to be that if you even try to kindly correct somebody, they'll jump to conclusions and think you're judging them. It's even harder to give nasiha to a "stranger" or somebody you don't really know.

Of course, Nasiha doesn't have to be regarding religion, it can relate to anything. I often hear that if you see another believer doing something wrong, it's your duty to give nasiha, because perhaps the other person isn't aware of what they're doing is wrong, plus, you'll get questioned if you didn't try to help them.

Now, I'm not saying that you should go all Haram Police on people and issue fatwas left, right and centre. There's a difference between saying "that's haram and you're going straight to hell!" and "look, as your fellow sister in Islam, I'm concerned that what you're doing is wrong." I'm also not saying that you should deliberately set out to correct other people's faults instead of your own, in fact, you should do the opposite. But a little, kind, sisterly advice wouldn't go amiss.

I'm interested to know what you think: have you given nasiha and what's your stance on this issue?

Conversation between strangers

Would you and do you speak to complete strangers? I only ask because, whilst at work in the shop yesterday, something strange happened.

I could see him approaching the till from the corner of my eye. I can't remember what I was doing, if anything (the shop is really quiet in the morning). He stood near the counter and stared at me. At this point, I couldn't tell what he was doing so I reached out my hand so he'd give me the bottle of orange juice he was clutching.

"Wait a minute." he said, and continued staring. I was a bit freaked out at this point. We can sometimes get weird people come in the shop, and the only barrier I have is the counter.

He then began to attempt to pronounce my name from my name badge in his strong African accent. It then became clear to me that he was staring at my name badge all this time. All the while, my hand was still outstretched.

"You are looking very nice today," he said. I blushed and looked down. I don't know how to take a compliment at the best of times, so I didn't say anything.

He looked at his friend who was stood a few yards away from the counter:

"She doesn't want to talk to me, she just wants my money! I tried to tell her that she's lookin nice but she just want my money!" He joked.

I smiled awkwardly and joked: "Just give me the money and nobody gets hurt!" I gave him his 1p change and he asked if I was from Kenya (?!), and what I was studying. He then laughed and left. I couldn't help but place this experience at the top of my "weirdest encounters in the shop" list- which is, of course, a mental list.

But it got me thinking. I was discussing this with my fellow editors at PULP on Wednesday, two of whom are originally from London and said that if a stranger started talking to you on a bus in the South, you'd label them as weird, but here, in the North, it is quite common for a stranger to just spark up a conversation, especially on public transport.

Perhaps we are too quick to label such people as "weird", but since we lead such busy lives, it's pretty rare that a customer will stop for a chat, unless it's about football tickets, in which case I shout the word "Mike!" (the name of my boss). They usually just want to pay for their stuff, get some change and go. I sometimes do talk to strangers, usually shop assisstants, and I'd normally be complimenting their jewellery or something.

Do you talk to strangers?

I wanna sing, I wanna shout, I wanna scream till the words dry out

It's a Sunday. Relax day for some, but not for me. I've been up since the morning, I've sent off an application for an internship, I'm currently editing articles for PULP (our student newspaper), I've got to finish revising for a stats test tomorrow, I need to write a type up a letter to someone... the list is endless.
The last thing I should be doing right now is blogging. But I wanted to update you guys. My life is pretty busy but I'm enjoying it. I'd rather keep busy than have time to put things off. I think being busy has made me more productive. It can at times feel like I'm jumping through hoops frantically, but at the same time, I feel like I'm in my element.

I'm clearly very behind on blog reading, which I may endeavour to catch up on as and when I can. The thing about blogging is that you can't just blog, you have to read other people's blogs and comment, and in doing so, publicise your own blog. I'm not bothered with how many people follow me, but it's always good to network. But at the moment, I have no time to do this.

I have a new job; I work in our student's union shop. I absolutely love it; it's so much better than my last job, and no two shifts are the same. It's really helped to strengthen my communication skills, which is always good. This feels like a different person now. It's weird! I'm glad I'm not like that anymore.

I'm part of the Economics Society that we are collectively trying to resurrect, I mentor younger students who struggle with maths, I'm part of our team for the Universities' Business Challenge... and somehow I manage to squeeze going to the gym in there too.

Yesterday, I attended a science festival with my sisters. Here's a picture of me next to a boulder that travelled from the Lake District to Manchester during the ice age. Pretty cool, no? I like the picture because in comparison to the boulder, I feel really small and insignificant; which is humbling and refreshing.

That's all for now.

Charity

((This post is more of a rant. I hope I don't come across too aggressive or judgmental. If I do, please forgive me.))

I'm a very traditional person in every sense. I'm honest and I'm critical. I like things to be kept simple and try to act upon the Qur'an and Sunnah as much and as best as I can. It's how I was brought up. I think upbringing has a massive impact upon your life and character, and ultimately the person you are today. Our parents, friends, and society in general influence the way we think, our political ideologies, the way we perceive things and a whole host of our thoughts and ideas.

Something that really rattles my cage is that society today cannot seem to give something for nothing. People cannot seem to donate to a cause without getting something BACK for themselves. It's almost like they see the donation as an investment on Dragon's Den, and will only complete the deal if they're happy with the return they'll get.

The kind of things I'm talking about are (for example): wristbands for charity. Who remembers those? I know I bought them, they were all the rage to wear to school; yet did people really care about the cause behind those wristbands/bracelets, and did we really "make poverty history  "? Plus what became of that Live 8 concert? Many charities now sell lots of other merchandise in order to raise money.

Another example is charity dinners. You'd pay over £10 and perhaps in excess of even £100 to attend a lavish dinner at a nice venue where a lot of the costs would go towards hiring the actual venue, the costs of the meal and catering staff, and the rest (hopefully) to charity. At these events, they'd usually host auctions of artwork for example, to raise more money. People will bid higher in order to get the item under the guise that "it's for charity".

Another example I can think of is the iPod red, where a percentage of the money you pay for the iPod is donate to RED- a charity for HIV/AIDS. Many people enter raffles and competitions that charities hold; because in this materialistic society, all we want to do is win, win, win.

Even charities themselves are spending thousands of pounds on advertising and marketing campaigns on billboards and TV ads to get us to part with our money. Why did they commercialise charity? If people want to give, they'll give! These ads aren't exactly free, and neither are the costs for printing their leaflets; who pays the price? I'm pretty sure they cut it from donations, so you can't be sure that 100% of your donation is even going to the cause you want. Call me cynical but nothing in this life is free; yes, charities do get reduced rates for TV ads, but everything still incurs a cost.

The people that knock on your door or pester you in your high street get paid £7 per hour plus commission when someone signs up to give regularly to a charity. Who pays for their wages? Ask yourself. I recently had a job interview at a marketing firm in the city centre who conduct lots of advertising for charities. The role I went for (although I didn't initially know this since I applied for SO many jobs in one go and got all muddled up) was for the door-to-door sales person who'd ask you to sign up to donate regularly via Direct Debit to a specific charity. I declined that job simply because I thought it'd be unethical of me to be earning wages that someone gave with the intention of donation to Africa or someone really needy. In the interview, he asked me "would you like to get paid for working on behalf of a charity and making a real difference to someone's life?" The way he posed this question just disgusted me.

I used to volunteer a lot for my local Oxfam shop, and have done a lot of voluntary work with a number of different charities. Us volunteers would work pretty hard at the project or task in hand, and not get paid a single penny. Yet it didn't matter because if you've ever volunteered you'll know that you get such a satisfying feeling that you're giving up your valuable time to be a part of something, and you do some wonderful things and meet some amazing people. If you have never volunteered I'd seriously recommend it, it gives you a spiritual high. Anyway, we were unpaid but the project co-ordinators and the managers for the Oxfam shop DO get paid. I know they do some incredible work, and I know the wage isn't enough for you to buy Harrod's, but they do get paid. Where does that money come from?

Last year, I volunteered for Muslim Aid as part of their street collections for the Pakistan floods. You can read the full story here, but, basically, a butcher said to us he'd rather not donate to us because he couldn't be sure 100% of the money would go to the cause, and that "our boss"- by that he meant managers etc- would take a cut of the donations we'd raised at the end of the day. We tried to reassure him but that got me thinking; maybe he was right.

Another thing I've noticed is that it's great how people can get their friends to donate if they're doing something like Race for Life on a Just Giving page- but I recently discovered that Just Giving take a % cut of the donations received for a charity, plus the charity has to PAY to be registered on just giving and have an account in the first place! As does Virgin Money. Why did they commercialise and capitalize upon charity?

Following on from that, it seems to be a trend to do something daring for charity. Kind of like you're playing truth or dare with your friends, and they sponsore you to do a dare like bungee jumping, abseiling, zorbing, rock climbing; the list is endless!

Has it become unfashionable for people to just give?

Just simply give?

For nothing in return, not to see your friend fall off a cliff and not to see your favorite singer in concert. Just something between you and God. Not something to boast about and tell everyone. In Islam, we are taught to give charity as if we were concealing it from ourselves. Charity is a very important concept to Muslims and is the fourth pillar of Islam (there being 5 in total), of Zakat. Charity in its true sense should eradicate poverty, and nor does it diminish our wealth. The very fact that we are fortunate enough to donate money; to own enough wealth to be able to help others means we should be ashamed that by giving charity we want something in return. The Prophet SAWS was a very poor man, yet he spent what little wealth he had on charity and helping others. Did he ask for anything in return?

Islam teaches that even a smile is a charity. A simple movement of muscles in your face that makes your features look so beautiful. And sometimes if you smile at someone (especially nowadays) they may not reciprocate it. They may give you a weird look and look over their shoulder thinking you smiled at someone behind them. And that's ok. Because you smiled at them. It's not just money that's charity:

“Charity is prescribed for each descendant of Adam every day the sun rises.” He was then asked: “From what do we give charity every day?” The Prophet SAWS answered: “The doors of goodness are many…enjoining good, forbidding evil, removing harm from the road, listening to the deaf, leading the blind, guiding one to the object of his need, hurrying with the strength of one’s legs to one in sorrow who is asking for help, and supporting the feeble with the strength of one’s arms–all of these are charity prescribed for you.” 

He also said: “Your smile for your brother is charity.” 

Narrated ‘Aisha [prophet Mohammed's wife] -may Allah be pleased with her- : “I never saw the Prophet laughing to an extent that one could see his palate, but he always used to smile”.

I'd like to end this post by highly recommending a charity named Ummah Welfare Trust; who are committed to 100% donations policy since they don't waste money on marketing or advertising, as they do not send out letters etc, as they are a small charity based in the North. The money they use on administration is from donations they receive whereby the donater has specified they'd like their money to be spent on admin.

A tale of rice pudding (kheer)

On Tuesday, my Mum invited her friend over to our house. because her in-laws were visiting from Pakistan; so it was an amalgamation of both and Iftar and a Dawat. My Mum, not wanting to disappoint, pulled out all the stops and made quite a few dishes; Pakistanis-and Asians in general are renowned for their hospitality. So they came, they talked, and they ate; they ate quite a lot for people who'd been fasting. If you've ever fasted, you'll know that by the time you open your fast, you're not that hungry and you can't eat that much. And then, before you could say the word hypothyroid, they left so that they could drive home and get to the mosque to pray Taraweeh. My Mum had initially intended to give them food to take home in containers (it's an Asian thing), but since they left so quickly, she didn't get the chance.

So, us, as a family of five adults and one baby, were left with all these dishes to consume over the next few days, which seemed like a daunting task as there was A LOT of it. (*disclaimer- I'm not complaining by the way, I'm very grateful for the food we had/have Alhamdulillah). Now the one dish I wasn't looking forward to eating was Kheer; and there were two massive bowls of it. I've never liked it, ever. I tried it once when I was younger at my Granny's house and I've refused to eat it since. It was served at my friend's wedding recently and I didn't eat it, even though my Arab friend and her Mum loved it.

Excuse the vulgarity, but to me, Kheer looks like someone has vomited the contents of their stomach into a bowl and then served it to you. It actually does. I then realised I can be quite fussy when it comes to the texture of certain foods. Kheer is thick, stodgy, and gloopy; well the one my Mum made is, anyway. In the days after they left, my parents would have a bowl each of Kheer at Iftar time. It was becoming quite clear that the Kheer was gonna hang around for weeks on end if they carried on like this. Me and my two sisters refused to eat it, our reasons being the way it looked. My Dad kept joking about how one day, we'd have to have Kheer only for Sehri and we'd have to do that for a couple of days to get it all eaten. But last night, he was far from joking and forced us to have some; at least try it. I really didn't want to have it, because I was full and didn't need pudding, and I just couldn't see past the way it looked.

After much resistance, I took a small spoonful of Kheer, placed it in my mouth, chewed and swallowed it slowly. I really didn't like the texture, but I was pleasantly surprised to find that I liked the taste; as it was nice and sweet. I continued eating it, and ate two small bowls of it, even though I was stuffed. Once I finished eating it, I realised how utterly stupid I'd been to judge the dish based on what it looked like, and hold a prejudice for many years. Our tastes change so much from our childhood; things that I used to like and eat then I don't now, and vice versa.

This incident reminded me of the quote "never judge a book by its cover ", and although this quote is thrown around a lot, do we understand it or act upon it? (myself included). It's really dangerous when we base our perceptions and judgements of something on what it looks like; and this can be applied to humans as well as food. Such a simple thing taught me such a poignant lesson.

Beyonce and the "empowerment" of Women

This post is mainly in response to Beyonce's newly released video, named "Run the world (girls)". So if you haven't seen it, you may want to watch it otherwise this post may not make sense to you. To give you a brief summary, Beyonce is basically dancing around, with an army of girls, wearing next to nothing, and chanting "Who run the world?? GIRLS!"

Lyrical problems:

I'm gonna go through the lyrics and tell you why I think this song is damaging for young women and girls. Whilst I would like very much for girls to even come close to running this world, in reality it is not true.

Beyonce says "some of them men think that they can freak this like we do, but no they won't. Make your cheques come at they neck, disrespect us no they won't." 

The last part of that is highly incorrect; they do and will continue to disrespect us. We might make up more than half of the world's population, do the important tasks such as raising children, but at the end of the day we are still being paid less to do the same jobs than our male counterparts. The situation is better now than it used to be, but the reality is that gender inequality still exists. So we are clearly not running the world. Males still dominate in the highly paid career professions such as Doctors, Dentists and Lawyers. Women are being abused and raped: so much for "disrespect us no they won't."

Another verse is "This goes out to all my girls that's in the club rocking the latest. Who will buy it for themselves and get more money later." 

So here B is trying to promote financial independence. I'm not against this at all, but, Islamically, the Man has to provide for the woman and take care of her. It's not to say that she can't have an income or work, or that she is the weaker gender, it is his right at the end of the day to provide for her. Just putting that out there. It's nice to be taken care of sometimes.

She then says "I think I need a barber, none of these hoes can fade me." I have no idea what she means by that, but I for one do not stand for being called a hoe. In case you need reminding, "hoe" is short for whore; a female prostitute. Why would you want to call yourself that? (Or other girls for that matter). It's bad enough that all the rap songs out there degrade women by calling them all kinds of insulting derogatory names, but the fact that we have turned this on its head and started calling ourselves such names is just ridiculous. How many times have you heard people calling themselves bitches and sluts, or seen it across someone's chest on a T-shirt?? All too often. It is really not constructive. I can understand how you can take something derogatory and label yourself as being that, in order for the word to become less derogatory. This can be demonstrated with the N-word, which is thrown about in rap songs left, right and centre. But has it worked? I don't know.

"Boy im just playing, come here baby. Hope you still like me, If you hate me.." Here it seems that Beyonce didn't actually mean what she just said, and kinda goes back on herself, which is confusing. I think she's highlighting the point that the boys aren't happy when girls are independent or have any kind of power, so she pretends she was just kidding and hopes he still likes her, because she's admitting that we do need men at the end of the day. That just sends out such a contradictory message. Either you run the world or you don't, there can't be any in betweens.

She then says, rather seductively, may I add: "you'll do anything for me". Looking like that, which man won't?!?

She continues later: "Boy you know you love it:  How we're smart enough to make these millions
Strong enough to bare the children, Then get back to business. See, you better not play me." Ok B first of all, you have no children so you wouldn't have a clue about childbirth (neither would I for that matter). How many women do you know who have children and still make millions..? This sends out a highly unrealistic message to girls; which says that you should give birth to children yet in this capitalistic society you can also go back to work and make millions. Err... hello?? What about the child?! Who is going to raise this child to be happy, healthy and with good morals? Society? Well they'll definitely turn out messed up if you leave it to society. Most Mothers give up work to look after and care for their children, it won't just magically happen, and those that do go back to work are usually part time or only return once the child starts school. This gives a false impression to young women who will think that they can still do everything. We have limits, we are only human. Of course there are women, single mothers, who have no choice but the go back to work; but what's for sure is that they will not be making millions.


Visual problems:

The main visual problem with this, and many other videos by Female artists is that by wearing less clothes and dancing about we are somehow becoming empowered; by using our sexuality to our advantage empowers us. (I was going to put some pictures as reminders but decided that your eyes do not need to be exposed to it). Anyway, this is highly dangerous. This then impies that our sexuality defines us. This is damaging as young girls emulate such singers; and will copy what they are wearing or doing in the videos. They are given the message that disrespecting yourself and displaying your beauty is actually empowerment. And that is really no good, because women are then seen as sex objects or pieces of meat. Women and sex can sell anything, be it a car or a laptop. Our beauty and worth has been degraded to sex; nothing more nothing less. Since we are perceived as mere objects, our value falls below that of a human, since an inaminate object is worth less than a human being. This causes us to be subject to all kinds of physical and emotional abuse; be it domestic violence or rape. This has damaged our worth and our power as women or even humans; and yet Beyonce is claiming that by being scantily clad we somehow run the world. Well, unfortunately, we don't.

How many females do you see in Parliament, or in the US Senate? Not many; just a handful. So if we're not even in government, how the hell are we supposedly running the world?

Beyonce herself should be more than familiar with the prejudices that females face, as highlighted in her song "If I were a Boy", even if it's more about relationships than female empowerment. The song bascially highlights how much easier it is for guys in this world. She is basically saying how much better she would treat a girl if she were a boy, because she knows how hard it is. This is also demonstrated in the Ciara song "like a boy"; which demonstrates how guys can be "players" and abuse women and mistreat them, so what would happen if the roles were switched? It would be highly inappropriate for a woman to act in that manner, so why do guys get away with it?

Oh, watch this as well, it's a great summary in response to Beyonce's new video:



I'll leave you with this lovely Hadith:

"Treat women nicely, for a women is created from a rib, and the most curved portion of the rib is its upper portion, so, if you should try to straighten it, it will break, but if you leave it as it is, it will remain crooked. So treat women nicely." Bukhari, 4:55:548.

Let's pretend she wasn't socially awkward and just strange as a kid

"Silence is golden" they tell her. She thought about this as she pounded the treadmill at the gym, and listened to the mechanical noise of the machine. If it's golden, then it's precious; really valuable.

But then they tell her "in this world, those who get the furthest are those who shout the loudest."

She couldn't shout, she didn't know how; it wasn't in her nature. What was she going to do?

She preferred her own company. It may sound strange but she liked to listen to the voice in her head, to day dream, to think things through.

At university, she would read the newspaper to avoid the awkard:

"Hello, how are you?" "good weekend?"

small-talk. These people would always tell her they were tired. Which made her feel tired too. And that wasn't a good thing. Then came the smartphone. She could connect to the wi-fi and tweet and facebook to her heart's content. That way, she wouldn't have to pretend to be texting someone, or ritually read through her folder named "saved texts."

She couldn't stay like this forever. Could she? :
How was she to raise her own children, or manage her own business?

The thing she hated the most was confrontation. If somebody did something that bothered her, she would sweep it under the rug, pretend like it never happened... anything, anything to avoid standing up for herself.

But she didn't like people. They were OK, but whenever they talked, their conversations were not stimulating or interesting. Was it the topic? Was it the people? or was it her? she couldn't figure it out. Whenever they talked she tried so hard to pay attention, to keep up:

"Concentrate, concentrate..!"

But however hard she tried, she inevitably switched off and began thinking of something else. More interesting things. She went where her mind took her, and she loved it.

BANG! "So what do YOU think about that , then?" 

They asked her something. Oh crap, she hadn't been listening, just nod and smile, agree with them..! Quickly! 

They all seemed to offload her problems on her. She didn't mind. She was a good listener, and sometimes gave them solutions. But she'd never divulge her own problems or secrets. It may have been an issue of trust.

"But you're just a private person" her Mother had told her once. Private. Hmm. She'd been used and abused too many times, told her deepest secrets and fears to the wrong people. Now she didn't know who to trust. Kept herself caged in so she wouldn't get hurt for the umpteenth time. Who had the key to her cage? She didn't know. Would she ever get out? That too, she didn't know. 

"Set me free why don't you, babe? Get out my life, why don't you, babe? Cos you don't really love me, no, you just keep me hanging on.."

But everyone had their best friends. Didn't they? Except for her. She didn't believe in best friends. She never did. She was never popular. She was popular however, online. She found solace in written words, since spoken words had failed her. She lacked the enthusiasm and expression in speech, but she found it in written words. The blank pages shared her problems, as she wrote or typed away. And her mind was free to spill the words out, letter by letter. She didn't have to worry about body language, intonation or feelings. Words were words. 

So she preferred online "chatting", since it was quicker and if something was awkward or didn't make sense, you could take your time to reply. Shame it wasn't like that in real life.


Is it something to do with her thyroid? She didn't know. But she was on the right medication... wasn't she? She had always been like this, though. In contrast her elder sister was very chatty, and always felt the need to be surrounded by friends and people. She needed to be the centre of attention. But, her, on the other hand, didn't mind disappearing un-noticed behind the shadows.

Was this to do with self-respect, or self-esteem? If so, she still lacked that. A lot. And she always had; it would depend on her weight. Or was it to do with self-belief? She never really believed in herself. She pushed herself, to her limits, was always very critical and didn't accept anything but the best from herself. Maybe she needed to sort that. But if she never pushed herself, she'd have never got this far in life. Would she?

She was always different, strange, and people didn't understand her. She always stood out, like a sore thumb, but she didn't mind, she learnt to embrace her individuality and accept herself for who she was.

“Islam initiated as something strange, and it will revert to its (old position) of being strange. So, glad tidings to the stranger!” [Muslim] 

But most of all, she felt as if she didn't understand herself. She didn't know herself. She was constantly changing and evolving, in terms of thought process, of states of mind. There was no consistency. She worried: if she couldn't understand herself, how were others supposed to understand her?

"See they can trigger me, but they'll never figure me out."

"I won't be misunderstood; it won't do me any good."

It was, alas, an endless enigma, that may or may not be solved.


But, for now, the struggle continues...

Beauty and the geek: make-up and me

So I know in my last time I promised to blog more often, and told you I had so much to blog about. I do- but I'm struggling to find the time! Anyway, as promised, here is a post I have been itching to write.

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Growing up, in my teenage years, I had the occasional spot but I had pretty good skin. My Mum always warned against me wearing make-up as she started wearing it when she was young, and thought it was the reason her skin got ruined. A few (not many) girls in high school were interested in make up, but I wasn't really. I was a geek/nerd/swot- whatever you want to call it, and we were into books and Pythagoras' theorem, not MAC lipsticks.

My Dad always used to say that the words "make up" imply the fact that cosmetics are used to make up for what you lack. He woud always remind me that beauty needs no armour. He also used to mention a hadith (which I have not found a reference for) that says that the Angels curse unmarried girls who leave the house which perfume and make-up on- especially make-up that's visible e.g. bright eye shadow. So naturally, I wasn't interested in make-up.

Eventually, my elder sister started getting into make-up. So during the first year of high school, I used to use a bit of concealer. It was the wrong shade, but I just liked the way it made your whole face look an even colour, and conceal the redness of spots. I only used to apply a bit, so it wasn't obvious at all.

The concealer would wear off quickly and wouldn't last very long, so I was advised to buy some foundation, powder and another concealer- all of the right shade. So I bought some. It wasn't expensive, it was of the "17" range by Boot's. So during the second year of college, I was now wearing concealer, then foundation, and then powder to "fix" this all in place. My Mum said that because of the shades I bought, and the paleness of my skin, I looked a bit ghost-like and needed some colour on my cheeks. It was then that I started to wear blusher too. I could never do it myself- I ended up looking like a clown, so my Mum always did it for me.

It was during this time that I was going through quite a rough patch- I had just been diagnosed with hypothyroidism, barely passed my AS levels, I was denied being allowed to apply for medical school, so many things were going on. I realise now that I was hiding my true emotions and feelings behind this mask of make-up. I didn't want people to know what was really going on, and I did not want to talk about it. I became really recluse and didn't go out with friends anymore. I also really hated my body at that time. I was pretty big, and I thought to myself, well if I can make my face look beautiful- why not? That way, I could still feel pretty, even it was just my face that I felt was pretty.

I was also heavily addicted to facebook, and had a camera that would point out every spot, every wrinkle, every bag, and so I had to be made-up everyday as I used to take a lot of pictures and put them on fb, and there was no way I was putting up a picture that made me look horrible. It was about artificial beauty. 

This carried on to the point where even if I was going to the corner shop, or for food shopping at good-old Morrison's with my Mum, I had all this make-up on. I dreaded the thought of leaving the house without make-up on: what if people saw what I really looked like? What if people saw my hideous bags and spots underneath?

I don't really know what the turning point was, but, I think, out of laziness, I stopped wearing make-up at all. I just couldn't be bothered with the time it all took to apply it, and to take it off. So when I started university in 2009, I just didn't wear make-up. It may have been aided by the fact that I moved out and used to get up at 8:55 for a 9am lecture- so putting make-up on was out of the question!

Even now, I still don't wear make-up to uni, even though pretty much every girl does. I do feel like the odd-one out, but I don't feel I need it anymore. I do feel that most girls hide behind this mask of make-up, and they'd die should anyone see them one without it. I mean, the stats are quite shocking.

I sometimes wear it, for special occasions (weddings), but that's about it. I have thought about wearing it again, just a little bit, but I don't know how I'd fit it in with my lifestyle of going to the gym everyday, I'd have to keep taking it off and re-applying it. Plus I think it's kinda impractical for doing wudhu- you'll either wash it off or the water won't get through to your skin in which case you haven't done proper wudhu.

But in this plastic-fantastic society, I can't help but think what is the purpose of make-up? The cosmetic industry is worth billions- but ladies, are we enhancing our beauty or covering up our true selves?

All pictures via weheartit.com

Why does it take us to see something wrong with somebody else to be thankful for what we have?

This isn't really a blog "post" as such- it's just a thought. I was watching a video yesterday about some people who suffered abuse (of all kinds) as a child and before I went to bed, I thanked Allah that I had never been abused and that I did not have a traumatic childhood. I'm not gonna sugar-coat it, there were a few smacks here and there, but Alhamdulillah, nothing really bad.

Then it got me thinking: why do we have to hear about someone being abused, or see someone blind or in a wheelchair to be thankful? We are such tiny specs on this Earth, and we have no wisdom compared to Almighty God, and as much as we try, we cannot make a list of everything we ought to be thankful for. We are blessed in so many ways we don't even realise, and we cannot even fathom all of them. But why does it take for us to notice someone who doesn't have something for us to be thankful that we do have that something.

Some people think that Allah has made people disabled etc so that able-bodied people will look at them and thank Allah that they are not like that. This may or may not be true, but I seem to think that it is true. Since Allah has created us, and knows us, inside out, he knows that we will not appreciate what we have until we see those who are without.

But then, SubhanAllah, have you notice that most (not all ) people with any health conditions (may or may not be disabilities) are just so much stronger within themselves and seem to be happier. It's like how I was waching a Channel 4 documentary named "Beauty and the Beast"- and there was a guy on there with a facial disfigurement. And he saw past the superficial ideology of society that your face and looks are the most important, and instead saw the importance of inner beauty.

And in the same way, I think my condition, hypothyroidism, has also made me see past the society's "size zero we-all-wanna-be-thin" conditioning, and accept that we all come in different shapes and sizes. I used to feel so unconfident within my skin, thinking people treated me differently because I was fat. Now, I couldn't care less, because I'm happy with the way I am, and I know that I am beautiful on the inside. I also know it takes people a while to realise this, and to see past the stereotypes.

So I want you to use me as an example to be thankful. I want you to be thankful and feel blessed that you have a normal, functioning thyroid. That you can lose weight quicker than me, that you can eat what you want and not have to worry about gaining weight. Not because it's so difficult for me, or that I want your sympathy, because although at first it was difficult, it has become so much easier. Just because I believe God made me this way so that you would be thankful for your thyroid.

"Ever see a blind man cross the road? Tryna make the other side."

First of all, sorry for my absence!- it's only been a week but I really had nothing much blog about so... and I also have a lot of blog reading to catch up on too so will be doing that soon! 

Anyway, something highly eventful happened to me today as I was waiting for the bus:

Tap, tap, tap. He tapped his red and white stick carefully onto the pavement, trying to figure out where the pavement ended. A bus came and a woman approached him. She put her hand on his arm so as not to startle him.

"Is it the 63* bus that you want?" She asked

"No, it's the 64*." He replied.

"OK, well this is the 63, the 64 should be coming soon."

She got onto the 63 bus herself.

Tip, tap, tip, tap. He continued to walk more cautiously now, edging nearer the bus stop. A few minutes later, another 63 bus came.

"Damn these 63 buses, they come every two minutes! Why can't the 64 be more regular?" I thought.

As if by the powers of telepathy, I saw the 64 bus at the traffic lights, waiting to turn. Alhamdulillah, I thought. I then remembered the man. The 63 bus was still at the bus stop, loading passengers. So the 64 would come behind it. He wouldn't realise that the 64 bus would be behind, and I was the only one who knew he wanted to get on the 64 bus.

I waked up to him, and said:

"Excuse me, the 64 bus is here. It's just there." I pointed. "Just walk forward a bit and it's just there. Come on, we'll miss it otherwise!" I began to walk towards the bus. As soon as the words left my mouth I felt stupid, how was he to know where to walk, he couldn't see! He took a few steps.

I went back up to him, and looked at his eyes. They were a bluey-grey infusion. Might be cataracts, I thought.

I realised the only option was for me to walk him to the bus. I held his arm "Walk with me." I said. I looked up at the bus to make sure the driver knew we wanted to get on the bus.

"I only want to go to Gregg's, you know, that one in Greendale **." He said.

When we got to the bus, he repeated the above sentence to the driver, and asked him to tell him when his stop would come. My stop was before his, so I trusted the driver would remember to tell him. As I climed up the stairs to the top deck, I suddenly felt guilty. I didn't help the man into a seat. I also wondered what the man would have done if I hadn't have helped him. It made me think that subhanallah this world is not random, it's not coincidence. God had planned for me and this man to be there at that particular time. I repeated the word subhanallah over and over in my head. I thanked Allah for my sight, and tried to imagine what life would be like without it. We take everything for granted, and this encounter reminded me to be thankful for my two eyes. Say a little prayer for your eyes.

* Not the real bus numbers
** Not the real name of the town in which I reside

I couldn't stop thinking about this song as well, and the title of this post is from this song:

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

I've compiled a list of changes I want to make in my life, but I daren't call them "New Years' Resolutions", plus it's the third already so I doubt they would qualify. I'm going to try my best to be specific about what I want to do, how I'll do it and by when. I think goals are better written down and specified, and are better shared with others. In no particular order of importance, here they are:

1) Cook more

It's with a hint of embarrassment that I reveal this one, but I've got to be honest about it. It's a dire situation. I don't cook at all now, and as weird as it seems, last year when I lived in halls I cooked more (when I came home for weekends). I've never really had a keen interest in cooking, it might stem from the fact that, unlike most schools, mine didn't do those "home economics" or "cooking" lessons. Last year, I used to cook Salan at least once a week, and I was getting quite good at it. I wouldn't go anywhere near Roti (chappatti's) though, because I could never get the shape right etc, or they would come out too small. I will try to have more patience inshaAllah when it comes to cooking, and try not to get frustrated so easily.

But, anyway, here's what I plan to do to resolve the situation. Have a blog feature called "Tasty Tuesday" (or something along those lines) in which I cook something (anything!) and share it with you, my dear readers. I'll share pictures of how it went, and include the recipe too. That way, it will be part of my blogging routine and will hopefully encourage me to do it regularly. I shall endeavour to try all different cuisines, (i.e. not just Asian).

2) Eat more fruit, veg & salad

I'm sure this one sounds very cliched, and its probably part of almost everyone's NYR list, but for me, it is a must. Oddly enough, up until yesterday, I had not consumed a Satsuma for years, in fact I can't even remember the last time I ate one. My Mum brought me one and told me to at least give it a go, and asked how could I use satsuma shower gel but refuse to eat a satsuma? No logic at all. I moaned for a bit saying how it smelt weird and made me wretch and I hated the texture, but I gave it a go, and ate it all- I was so proud! I felt stupid that I had avoided this ok-ish fruit for so long, as it wasn't too bad! So my plan is to consume more fruit, I've started off with one or two and inshaAllah will build it up to the 5 recommended daily. They are a great substitute for sugar/chocolate cravings. I will bother to cut some up, and take some to uni with me. I will eat them as a mid-morning or afternoon snack. I will try my best to add salad (i.e. lettuce cucumber totmato) to sandwiches or any meal where possible. To do this, I will have to get up just an extra 5-10 minutes early in the morning so I have enough time to prepare a good lunch.

3) Drink Green tea (again!)

Green tea is meant to speed up your metabolism and aid with the digestion of your food. I always buy some, drink it for a day or two, and then forget about it. I need to make drinking it part of my routine! It doesn't taste bad, in fact it doesn't taste of anything. I resolve to make this part of my routine by drinking it after uni, at around 5 or 6 o clock, and if I forget, then after my evening meal.

4) Keep in touch with friends

I don't know why, but I'm terrible at keeping in touch with my friends. I have facebook but I don't really write on anyone's wall or message them enough to see how they are. I will do this from time to time, and sometimes, they just reply with generic messages and then the conversation dies. I have a weird habit of leaving people behing when I move on, as in when I change from high school to college or college to university. Neither parties make the effort, and I don't know who's to blame. I don't really use MSN much now either, and I don't call anyone at all, neither am I much of a texter- not really your average teenager. I think it's really bad, because then I'll grow up having just acquaintances, and no real friends or connections. The trouble may lie with the fact that I'm the type of person who will get along with {almost} anyone, so I have all these people I know, but no-one that knows me properly. Like anyone, I do have trust issues and I am quite a private person. Take for example the recent surgery I had on my hand, only two people (at university with me now) knew about that, no-one else. Only a handful of people know I'm hypothyroid.

Anyway, to resolve this, I shall inshaAllah make a list of people I lost contact with, or want to keep in my life. I'll call, text, e-mail, facebook or meet up with these people on a regular basis inshaAllah. I'll also invite people to my house (gosh I'm sounding like a social recluse here!) but I haven't done that in years.

5) Be tidier & more organised

I know my big sister will smile whilst reading this, as she shares a room with me. After just a week at uni, the clothes pile up, the notes pile up, waiting to be organised and filed. I always argue and say that I don't notice mess, but I think the truth is I do, I just choose to ignore it, hoping it will go away or someone (my sister) will get reallly mad and do it for me. But this rarely happens. I let it all pile up into a nice big mound, and then I get a sudden spurt to tidy it all up, so I do. And the patterns just keeps repeating itself with no way out. This shall be a weekly thing, inshaAllah I will tidy my clothes, put them away, and file notes away quickly. I will not let them pile up! I'll hoover our room when I can and generally help out with cleaning around the house- without being told by my Mum what to do. My Mum always worries what my future house will look like and how my Husband will not be impressed with my uncleanliness. May be a typical Asian thing to say, but nevertheless, she's right; I will struggle.

6) Read more Qur'an and understand its meaning

Again, this may be a generic change that all Muslims want to make, but I truly need to do this. I will set aside some time, firstly just at weekends, and then every day. I will use some websites I came across to help me understand Quranic Arabic, so that I can understand what Allah is saying to me and implement his commands into my life. The Qur'an will be one of the intercessors on the Day of Ressurection, and if I never read it, what hope do I have?

7) Try my best to do the above things, be patient and put my trust in Allah that I will succeed at them

Finally, I've got to give the above six things a real, proper go. I mustn't get frustrated easily or give up because it's not going to plan. I have to commit to do them, and pick myself up and try again if they prove too difficult.

So there you have it, my six changes, fi sabilillah.

May Allah give me the patience and time to do all of them, and to the best of my ability. Ameen.

Does my blog look big in this?

Decided on a new template, wanted something light & fresh. I get bored very easily of designs and backgrounds, I don't know how I stuck with the last one for so long! After much scouring of blogger templates, I settled on this one. It may not be up for long though, we'll see how it goes!

I'm currently recovering from surgery, occupying myself by reading this:

No doubt I'll post a proper review when I've read all of it, but so far, from the 86 pages I've read: I LOVE it. It's a witty book full of life stories, encounters and valuable lessons. You don't have to be into business to enjoy it, this book is for everyone. I have never read an autobiography before, but unlike all the other fake celebs, this book is written exactly as Sugar himself speaks, and isn't in fancy language. So far I've read about his school life, and early teens, the decisions he made, the business ventures he had. It's very interesting, highly recommend! I'm glad I've something good to read, and no exams to revise for, I can properly relax and do what I want while I recover.

Spare some change?

Banksy: "Keep your coins; I want change."

Today, as I was walking out of a uni building, on a mission, in search of a Post Office (which I later realised was nowhere near there), something happened. A student, male, white, around 19/20 said:

"Excuse me, I wonder if you could help me." I'm a bit of a power-walker and was in a rush so I was almost down the steps and had to turn around to look at who just said that.

"I wonder if you could help me." He repeated.

"With what?" I asked.

He produced a fifty pence piece and said:

"I need some money to get home, this is all I have. I'm really genuine, all I need it for is to get home."

The cynic in me thought he'd spend it on drugs, so I scanned his face. He did not look like a user at all. I was in a dilemma, should I give him some change? And if so, how much? How could I be sure he was just going to use it on bus fare?

"How much do you need?" I asked as I weighed up the options.

"I really don't know, maybe like 2 quid," He replied.

I could see the desperation on his face. I still couldn't decide what to do, but the cynic in me just took over. He could tell that I didn't know what to do.

"You might wanna try the Student Information Point..?" I said, pointing to it behind me, hoping they could help him out.

"I've already been there, they can't help me. Please, please. I've asked everyone. All I need is to get home." His face began to wobble and he burst into tears. He was so vulnerable.

The cynic in me whispered: "He's turned on the water works just to get you to part with your money, don't be fooled by him."

Despite these thoughts, my heart actually melted. But I couldn't stop thinking about how I could be sure he was going to use it on bus fare.

"I'm really sorry, but I've jut got enough to send this item off at the post office, I really haven't got anything to spare." I said, and looked at the bag in my left hand that contained a perfume I sold on Ebay and had to send off.

I felt bad, because a) I was lying- I had change and b) he was getting really desperate.

"I'm really sorry but good luck anyway." I said, and walked off.

"Thanks," he sniffed.

Later, when I was waiting at the bus stop, I began to think about the encounter that just happened and I actually shed a little tear for this guy. I should have asked him why he had no money, or where was his credit card, or maybe I should have just given him the money and made sure he got on the bus... All these thoughts began to circle in my head.

I began to recall several other encounters with people in the last city I was studying in. They would always say "I need £1 to get on the train to leeds, I've got no change." But they were notorious prostitutes and drug users (I'm not exaggerating), and now it's become drilled into me that all "beggars" want money for drugs or alcohol. This guy wasn't trampy at all, he was just a student like me. I felt so bad for not giving him anything, I made a little du'a that if he was genuine for Allah to get him home safely, and I reassured myself that Allah takes care of all his creation. I even pondered going back and giving him something, apologising for lying, but at that moment, my bus arrived.

What do you do in situations like this? To give or not to give? 

HHH update

I am currently being held at gunpoint by my sister as we speak. Only joking! What I meant was she has been urging me for a while to blog, and mehh I just haven't felt like doing it. But here goes! The following is a mish-mash of nonsenical trivial things currently occupying my life :

• The thyroid side of life isn't so good. I suspect I still am not on the correct dose, as I just don't feel right, and I feel still very underactive. I really need a blood test Asap and inshaAllah will do soon. Please make du'a for me
• The main reason I don't feel right is brain fog; I really would like a clear mind back, I just can't seem to think properly and clearly enough and concentrate on stuff, which brings me to my next point
• I'm stressed about driving; I passed my theory but I've had around 2 instructors so far and my main problem is my lack of focus/concentration during lessons, and it's really frustrating. I feel as if I'm dyslexic or have a learning difficulty, but of course due to the lack of awareness of thyroid disease, I won't get the relevant report. Anyway, my theory expires in June 2011 but I'm having surgery on my left hand in December InshaAllah. So when do I pick up my driving, will I ever pass and be able to concentrate properly? arghh...
• It's bugging me that the "Arabs" are celebrating Eid on Tuesday and the rest of us I.e. South Asian Hindo-Pak Subcontinent are celebrating it on Wednesday. Why can we not just do it on the same day??!
• I seem to still have major confidence issues, especially talking in front of a small group of people, I get so stressed out about it and I wasn't like this last year. Maybe it's because this year our presentations are in groups, and last year they were individual. But yeah, I need to work on that. Plus when we're in tutorial and I have to speak I feel like everyone's looking at me and I get all flustered!
• I got rejected from a HSBC summer internship :(( waaaahh! I really wanted it
• I learnt today the extent to which I inconvenience myself so as not to inconvenience others. Ie. I go out of my way to help others so they don't suffer, but in turn I do.
• I have two painful blisters on my feet since my trainers have pretty much fallen apart, and I need new, better quality ones. 
• Having uber wide feet sucks big time and I have resigned myself to a life of trainers, which is tres cool but other footwear would be nice
• All I really want to do is set up my own business and make a fortune, but I'm doubting my abilities to do that since the last time I did was pre-diagnosis
• Either my scales are effed up or my weight really is yo-yo-ing/fluctuating
• I love those people who dress so eccentrically and couldn't care less what people think about them
• I seem to scare guys as they feebly ask "can I please sit next to you?" in lecture. Erm, I don't bite! Do I look like R-Pattz?!
• I love computers since they are so simple and easy to understand, unlike humans they are so complex subhanallah
• I took the fact that I can Alhamdulillah read and write with little trouble for granted until I watched a programme just now about dyslexia, which brough back memories of when I got tested for dyslexia last year ( I don't have it )

That is all. I'd just like to say thanks to the new followers, it makes my day seeing that number increase each time, so thanks :))) 

Man, I feel like a woman!

So, as promised, today I'm tackling the issue of femininity, and what it means for me. Growing up, especially in my teenage years, I didn't feel feminine at all. When I was younger, I opted for cars instead of barbie dolls. The choices I made and my overall attitude and appearance would even induce the word "tomboy". My Dad even nicknamed me "his little lad". I didn't seem to be hard-wired in the same way as all the other girls were.

((Of course, now, I realise that was partly due to the fact that I hadn't been diagnosed, and thyroid hormones interact with female/male sex hormones in the body, so I may have had some sort of chemical imbalance. I've recently had my sex hormones tested, and all is fine Alhamdulillah.))

But, even now, post diagnosis, at 19, I don't feel fully feminine. I might wear make-up now, I might have pretty dresses, but does that make me feminine? And this got me thinking, surely how feminine we feel as individual women must only lie with our own perceptions of what the word feminine means to us. The major thing that has been fairly constant throughout my life is my weight. I've always been "overweight." And many overweight women in society tend to feel, dress and therefore portray themselves as "less feminine" than other women.

Is this woman:

 less or more feminine than this one?

The point Im trying to reiterate, is the fact that it's all down to our own perceptions. Myself included, and many other overweight women are putting themselves down as we don't look like the magazines, we're not the right height or weight, we're not thin and elegant etc.. the list is exhausting.

Back to the femininity issue, it's hard being overweight and feeling feminine at all. You tend to feel clumsy and frumpy, quite the oposite of elegant and graceful. One thing we should remember is that the magazines are highly airbrushed and edited, and none of the bodies printed on their glossy pages are actually achievable (since they're computer edited images.)

Another reason I don't feel feminine is due to my feet. I have pretty wide feet, and I'm off the scale with a width measurement of F. I also have to wear insoles in my shoes, as I have flat feet. This restricts my footwear choice massively, due to the insoles Im only supposed to wear lacey shoes. And my choice of shoes for 3+ years now have been trainers. Im not even allowed canvas pumps. So you can imagine me walking down the street with a dress and trainers on. Most days I dont mind, in fact I don't care, but I realise it's having a massive impact on how "feminine" I feel. I don't wear skirts anymore due to the fact that I think trainers and skirt just look completely wrong. I'm still on the hunt for a good pair of wide fit shoes, and if Im lucky, boots. Most companies I've come across assume that the wider your foot the bigger it must be. In my case, my feet are tiny but wide. Therefore, my UK size is 3.5 F.

It's amazing how shoes can massively impact on your femininity and overall self-esteem. This is the last point I want to make. Since we've established femininity and overall "perfection" is something percieved by ourselves, why are we so quick to look in the mirror and point out our imperfections?

We're in control of our own lives, our own self-esteem, our feelings & emotions, as we create the perceptions we have of ourselves. InshaAllah I'm almost there myself, but it's time we looked in the mirror with confidence, with acceptance of who we are, and uttered the words "I am who I am." We are the ones who have the power to change ourselves, whether it be lose weight, whether it be work on our character, our skills, but first, we must accept ourselves for who we really are.

** I do realise this post digressed much from the inital topic, but I felt that everything I said was interrelated to femininity. Here are some songs that spring to mind: 

Wedding dilemmas

Tricky situation. Someone invites you to a wedding. Normally, I'd jump at the chance. But not this time. It's different in many ways, but mainly because the people who invited us are a vague family friend. I mean, they've never even been to our house for dinner. They just know my Mum's family and lived two doors away from us in the house we used to live in when we were little. We have moved since then, and they've not visited us. We even had a baby. They didn't come to see him.

Do you get the dilemma? My personal new motto is to not bother with people who don't bother with me. From experience, I've learnt it's not worth the effort and energy if it's not reciprocated. We never even thought we'd actually get the wedding invite. Even though we moved, my Dad still kept the old house and sometimes rents it out. He goes there often to check for post etc. He (by chance) saw this "family friend" (the Dad) who told him that his daughter was getting married and he'll be inviting us. A lot of the time, when people bump into you unexpectedly, they just say things for the sake of it. So none of us actually expected to receive the invite.

But, two days ago, the bride-to-be's Mother phoned for our new address. And on the same day, the bride-to-be's Sisters drove by to give us the invite. Which was pretty shocking. But we got the invite anyway. So, naturally, my Mum got all excited but starting having a panic attack about who would wear what. I told her that I didn't really want to go.

Later on, at dinner, my Mum blurted out "these two (me & my Big Sister) aren't going to the wedding" to my Dad. He scolded us and told us that the Prophet Muhammad (SAWS) said that whenever somebody invites you to something, you should accept their invite and go. I never knew that. But still, I didn't want to go.

My Mum said, "just go for the free food! And plus, they've done a head count already that all of us are going to be there. You can't not go! " But I really do not want to go. Partly it's through laziness. Partly because weddings are so boring, you just go, watch the bride walk in to her choice of song. Everyone sits down, and eats and then talks to friends. Then they all depart. We've been invited to the Mendhi as well, but it's on a thursday night and I have uni the next day at 10 am! Plus my Mum tends to get really stressed about "getting out of the house" as we're all "too slow" for her liking. Most likely reluctant, not slow. Most might enjoy "dressing up" but I really hate making an effort and wearing sparkly traditional dress, and making my make-up not look too overdone/pasty and wearing stillettoes. All this just for a "family friend." Is it worth it?

Plus is it just me or does anyone else get judging vibes at weddings? What I mean is all the girls stare at each other and proper look at what they're wearing, and if it's "islamic" enough, and if they're make-up's good etc... Part of this is paranoia. And I myself am guilty of doing this, mostly without realising. But it does happen.

The only thing that's swaying me towards possibly going is the "free food"- it is Nawaab after all. I'm still unsure of whether or not to go. I'll most probably get dragged along anyway. *sigh*. At least the invites are pretty.

Freshers' week

Monday

Was so nerve-racking, but I had some reassurance as I've experienced uni before. I am so grateful to my Sister who showed me around, as my previous uni was very small and everything was very close together, but this uni's campuses are pretty scattered. I got my ID card made finally (once their "system"- a stupid webcam (!)) was working. I went to the first session and before it I began fixing my scarf (the underscarf was too tight) so when I got to the session most people were sat down. So I didnt get a chance to say Hi to people. First impressions: there were loads (I mean loads) of boys! And most of the girls were either international, or that "fake" type, no-one seemed approachable enough. I sat next to a group of girls who already seemed to know each other and were talking about parties and their halls etc (accommodation). The session was rather boring, but it was funny at times, and the head of year seemed so inspiring, congratulating us for choosing Economics. After the session, I saw a girl a year younger than me I knew from high school so I said Hi and found out she is on the same course (in that session there were 3/4 different types of economics courses together).

I learnt my way around, roughly, and where to get the buses from etc- which I already sorta knew. I learnt where the prayer room is (which was so peaceful Hamdulillah). I was taking in slowly all the faces on my course but was disappointed I didn't have one new name yet. At the end of the day, I was prety exhausted! I didn't realise how much walking around there would be and I wasn't prepared for it. As I said, my last uni's buildings were all close together.

The main emphasis for freshers week seemed to be on going to clubs and getting wasted etc which was a little disheartening. I knew this happened, but in my last uni there was like one club so only two people handing out leaflets. This uni is much bigger and there are loads of clubs and the whole street was lined with half-naked girls handing out leaflets for club promotions. "Would you like to go to the silent disco tonight?" one asked me as I stood there in my pink and gold hijab. "Erm, what do you think??"  I thought to myself. So much fitnah and temptation, I thought, Astaghfirullah. I can kinda understand why many Muslims do get caught up in the partying scene.

Tuesday

I was so exhausted from the night before, and I stayed up late to watch Britain's next top model (tut) that I just about got ready on time for the 10 o clock session. The night before, something occurred to me. Perhaps I'm not on the right course. My future ambition inshaAllah is to be an entrepeneur and set up my own business, and Im really itching and fighting the urge to not set up one right now (as my parents think it will distract me from studies). So I had a look at the business courses again on the uni's website and came across one called Business Enterprise. It stood out to me as you can do placements, and all the units are specifically catered for people who wish to set up their own business. I felt stupid for not looking at this course before and finding out about it, but I knew it had happened for a reason. I went earlier than the session and went to talk to my tutor. I explained that I thought my current course was too theoretical to which she said all degrees are like that and if you need something more practical, uni isnt for you and you should do a vocational course. Bill Gates or Richard Branson don't have degrees, she said. I told her I felt stupid for not researching into what course I wanted to do, but that I was thinking about transferring to the Enterprise course. She said it's nothing to do with her and I should phone up admissions. I told her that I'd done a year of science at a different uni, and then she said something that really hit home: it sounds like you have no clue what you want to do and you better make up your mind soon as this is your life and you'll regret it if you made the wrong choice now. She told me to have a good think about it and let her know what happens.

And then it hit me: I've spent too many years trying to please other people (parents!) and it's time I began making my own choices. I have such a problem trying to decide what to do with my life as everyone always tells me what to do. So I explained this to my parents and they are a bit sceptical and wary, but said it's up to me at the end of the day.

When I finally got through to the Admissions helpline, I had to send an e-mail confirming I want to transfer and they'll look at my qualifications and see if there are any places left on the other course. I really hope there is a place for me, inshaAllah. I'm impatiently waiting for their reply. I know everything will turn out for the best.

What's that noise???!

So I'm sat at the laptop enrolling for university and facebooking etc and i keep hearing this buzzing/vibrating sound. Check my phone: nothing. So I leave it for a while. I can still hear it and it's starting to irritate me. I get up look around for my sister's phone. Find her blackberry, unlock it, and still: nothing. I sit back down but I can still hear it. I try to ignore it and dismiss it to be some sort of garden equipment a neighbour might be using. I know it can't be my Dad's phone cos his phone is always on loud not vibrate. Plus who would be so persistent to keep calling after all that time?! Ten minutes later I finally realise: it's my Mum who's on the sewing machine downstairs!!

Who cares about Pakistan?

I know I do. Obviously this has affected me personally as my ethnicity is Pakistani, and unlike Haiti, it struck a cord with me that this is my family, my own brothers and sisters being affected this time. I've done everything I can to help, yet it still feels inadequate.

Yesterday, Alhamdulillah I was given the opportunity to do street collections with buckets via Muslim Aid near where I live. It started off with a lot of waiting and briefings, then we went out on the streets which were so empty. Most people said they had no change, Allah knows if they were or weren't telling the truth. The street we were located on is like Pakistani Central; there were loads walking by but many did not want to donate or just ignored us as if we were invisible, and that was hard. We began to get desperate as we were all aiming for as many donations as possible. So we began to go into the shops and ask the people working instead of people passing by. Many were Pakistani or of south asian decent themselves and were quite generous.

We went into one particular butcher's and the comments he said impacted us all. At first, he said he'd already given and we were ready to say our Jazakallah's and leave and then he said something along the lines of:

"What you girls are doing is so great Mashallah, I've seen you walking down asking for donations, but you don't know what your boss is going to do with this money, do you?"

A sister we were collecting with replied: "well we are doing this fi sabilillah (for the sake of Allah) to gain reward, and Allah hu Alam (only God knows) what happens with the money after this."

He replied by saying: "yes exactly, that's my point. You can't guarantee that 100% of this will go directly to Pakistan. Your boss is probably taking a cut. I would give to a charity or go to Pakistan myself, and that way I am sure that 100% of the money will go to those who need it."

Whilst he was speaking, the sister began to interject with her argument that we obviously don't know what happens to the money blah blah..

His blood began to boil and he was getting so mad that she was interrupting him. He said "look I have a daughter your age, you need to respect me and listen to what I am saying."

And with that, the sister stormed out of the shop. Me and my real sister were stood there dumbfounded. Although we didn't agree with what the Uncle was saying, we were brought up to respect everyone's opinion, regardless of what it is and we knew the way to deal with such people is to just let them say their piece and then you say yours, and not interject. We both said thank you anyway and left the shop.

Although the situation wasnt handled correctly, what he said was very thought-provoking. It might have sounded like an excuse, given by a number of people reluctant to part with their cash. But it was then that I understood that this is one of the many reasons people don't seem to be generously giving to Pakistan. In comparison to Haiti or the Tsunami, the donations are meagre. But then again, I cant help thinking that if everyone thought like that man, all of the time, how would you ever give to charity without a doubt of where your money will go? How does that man give his Zakat?

Today I came across this article on the BBC news website, and it provided all the answers I've been searching for as to why no-one seems to be in a charitable mood. I think it's a fantastic article and has really hit the nail in the head with the reasons why people aren't being so generous.

This picture is taken from that article:

and it really does put things into perspective.

On a more positive note, take a look at this.

Great expectations

I have been brought up from a young age to have high aspirations, to be the best and to be ahead of my counterparts. I'm not saying that any of the above is bad, it's just that when you expect too much and build your hopes up too high, everything comes crashing down.

My Mum once said to me "if you don't expect anything, you'll never be disappointed."

And while I was so busy chasing my Dad's dream of becoming a Doctor, I lost sight of who I was, what I wanted, and why chasing this dream was so important anyway. It was because of him that I got a great set of GCSE results. He instilled in me the same sense of expectation and work ethic, along with a harsh criticism of myself and believing there always was room for improvement.

Now I'm not saying he was pushy, he was very encouraging and he had his reasons. But after my GCSEs I no longer got amazing grades, in fact quite the opposite. I came out of college with an ok set of A levels but I always felt that it could have been better, I should have done better. I never expected the A level grades I got, I never expected to end up at the uni I did, and even now this sense of expectation leaves the bitter taste of disappointment in my mouth. 

So now, I pledge to never expect anything, or too much of myself because it's me that's going to have to deal with the after-effects. Ok, I may have gone from hero to zero, but it could have been a lot worse.