Angry and frustrated

I found out on Friday that my most recent blood test showed that my TSH is suppressed and I have too much free T4. Basically I'm now HYPER-thyroid. Too much thyroxine.
Except, this time it wasn't the Doctor who told me to increase my dose. The blood test before this one showed that my levels were OK- but they could be improved slightly. I was indecisive at first, but, decided to take the risk because I *could* feel better, so I decided to increase my dose (from 125 mcg to 150).

I thought I felt better, but in hindsight, all the signs were there. It was too much. I put it down to uni stress, and the fact that I had a lot on, but at so many points in Nov/Dec I felt like I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I'm frustrated because I now have to alternate between 125 and 150 every day for two months. I hate alternating, as you feel so up and down and just all over the place. I blame myself because I made the decision to increase my dose, selfishly, just to see if I could feel better, and I ended up swinging from OK to Hyper.

I'm angry that I keep getting it wrong and I either swing too low or too high. There's only a couple (at most) of months in the year where my levels are "normal". I'm angry because I have to deal with this for the rest of my life. It would help if I began to recognise the signs of when my thyroid isn't right quicker. I've had this for almost four years now and I still can't get it right. I can normally recognise if I'm hypo but I'm not that familiar with the hyper symptoms.

I'm angry because this could continue to scupper my chances of academic success and getting a first-class degree. I was so angry to the point where, after receiving the news, I really wanted to punch somebody in the face while I was waiting at the bus stop to get home. And I'm not a violent person.

What can I do now other than alternate my doses as the GP suggested, and wait till the blood test in March? I just have to keep plodding along and try to get myself through this- because nobody else will do it for me.

As I suspected & coming out

As I suspected

I've not been feeling "right" for a number of weeks now- just not myself really. I've been dizzy, headachey, tired- more than normal and I just suspected something wasn't right with regards to my thyroid. I knew I had a blood test due soon anyway, as I have them every 3 months just to keep things in check. At first I wasn't sure if I was just stressed or tired from work, but as time progressed it became clear it was a thyroid issue. So I went to my doctor to request a blood test form, and explain I'd been having palpitations, feeling sick and was dizzy. I actually suspected I had swung into the HYPER range (when you have too much thyroxine), but as the days passed I wasn't sure if I'd gone into either the hyper or hypo range, but I definitely knew something was up.

So I booked a blood test for the next day. It was a fasting blood test too, as my Doctor always likes to check for Diabetes and torture me (lol!) so I can't eat anything from 10pm the night before until after the blood test. The trouble is the blood test was at 9:40am, and I was struggling for weeks now to get out of bed on time. Luckily for me my job stated at 12pm, which was quite fortunate really. Anyway, I told my Mum it was at 9:40 am, I even tweeted it for goodness' sake, yet I got confused and convinced myself it was at 10:40 am instead. To cut a long story short, there was a lot of shouting from my parents' behalf to try and get my lazy arse out of bed, but as hard as they tried I just didn't manage to get ready on time. This incident proved to me even more that something wasn't right with regards to my thyroid, yet my parents weren't very understanding. I was so embarrassed about the whole situation, that it took me a whole week to book another blood test.

Anyway, so Tuesday the 5th July, I went off to the hospital at 10:20 am this time- I knew if it was any earlier we'd have a repeat of last time- and I got three bottles of blood drawn out from my left arm. I didn't know what the results would show, but I was hoping they'd show an imbalance in my thyroid hormones; TSH and free T4, nor did I know how long it would take my GP to be given my results. On Thursday 7th July, I received a letter in the post saying:

The Doctor would like you to book a non-urgent routine telephone appointment, and this can be done within the next 3-4 weeks.

In my experience, whenever I receive a letter with the wording above, there have been many, it usually entails a change in the dosage of my thyroid medication. So there was no way I was waiting for 3/4 weeks to be told, by phone, that I needed a dose change. I really hate how my GP surgery does that. I guess a dose change is "routine"- but to me it IS urgent that I get on the right dose as soon as, and not prolong the effects of  incorrect balance of thyroid hormones to my body. So naturally, I wasn't buying into it, so I phoned up the surgery to get a physical appointment.

There I was on Friday, and the surgery was very quite which is rare, so I got seen quite quickly, much to my surprise. I was told that I'd gone into the HYPO range (not enough thyroxine), as my TSH was over 5 (should be below), and my free T4 was only around 17/18- should be higher. My dosage was to be increased from 100mcg to 125mcg, so I'd need to pick up some 25mcg tablets from the pharmacy. I was actually happy for once that I was getting a dose change. I was also glad that I suspected something was wrong, as it indicates that I'm listening to my body more, and can recognise when something isn't right.

So, as of yesterday, I've been taking 125mcg. I would kindly request your thoughts, dua's and prayers please, because dose changes can be pretty confusing for me. I wrote this in my personal statement, when I was going to apply for medicine (I didn't in the end):

I find it fascinating how a single hormone can have such a profound effect on the functioning of the human body

And I still believe that today, it's pretty fascinating, baffling and bewildering- all in a SubhanAllah kinda way.

Coming out


By coming out I mean, of course, telling people I have thyroid disease. All of you that read my blog, and those that follow me on Twitter all know I'm hypothyroid. Yet only a handful of people I know in "real life" know of my thyroid disease. It's not that I'm ashamed, you see I'm quite a private person, and I don't believe in telling everybody your personal business, just because they simply do not need to know. None of my university friends know. I was quite close to telling one, but I didn't in the end.

Some of you may know from a previous post that I have been working for an accommodation company, distributing leaflets etc. I have since left this job. Anyway, I met some really fantastic and interesting people who I worked with and got to know on quite a personal level. Everyone was just so open and friendly, and we all just got stuck into the task at hand. I'd been saying to them for a number of days that I hadn't been feeling too well, and one day I mentioned that I'd been to the doctor and he's decided to send me for a blood test. One of my co-workers commented "That's a bit drastic, isn't it?" Without even hesitating, the words just rolled off my tongue and I said : "well no, it's not really, cos I'm hypothyroid and I'm always having regular blood tests." 

Of course then proceeded lots of questions about what hypothyroidism is, what it means for me, and is there a cure etc. And I was glad to be equipped with the knowledge to answer their questions. I don't know why, but I was so surprised that they were completely fine with it. I didn't want them to start treating me differently, and they didn't, which I was glad about.

On a final note, I'd like to thank and welcome the new followers to this strange little blog of mine; thank you for following, reading and commenting, it means a lot to me :)

I wanna heal, I wanna feel, what I thought was never real, I wanna let go all the pain I've felt so long; erase all the pain 'till it's gone

I was always the geek/swot in the class who lacked the social skills yet got the best grades. It was drummed into me from a young age. My Father put much emphasis on education, on good handwriting, on always excelling academically. I completely understand why he did this, and I do not resent it one bit. At high school I attended a private Islamic independent school. During years seven and eight, my grades were good but they were just above average. It was in year nine that I began to really excel academically. Year nine was the height of my depression, and in order to block it all out, I decided to channel all my energy into my school work and SATs exams; and it worked. People started to say things like:

"She's got over 90% for all her exams, but she goes around looking so moody, she should smile a little more- I'd kill for her grades!"

If only they knew what was really going on. I didn't take much notice of the people who did say that, cos I knew they were jealous. During years ten and eleven, the pain of my weight gain was so overwhelmingly numbing. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I tried to accept that I'd always be "big" but it didn't work. I couldn't accept it. So I didn't face it, I ignored it and again, blocked all these thoughts away by throwing myself into my studies. By the end of year 11, I left with an amazing set of GCSE results, that still, to this very day, shock me. I have no idea how I even got them with all the stuff I was going through. Everyone was really sad to leave high school, but not me. It's not that I wouldn't miss the people, but five years was way too long, and I was ready to move on.

I then attended a sixth form of a private school, the same school that my two sisters were attending. I didn't really have much say in which sixth form/college I'd be attending. I didn't really care. The new sixth form was a complete culture shock. Yes, it was girls only, but they were girls from upper class families who were basically loaded, financially. I'd never interacted with such people before. It was overwhelming to say the least. I quickly began to struggle with my AS levels. Having only studied double science at GCSE to doing all three sciences at AS level was really hard. I was trying my best to keep my head above water but I was drowning in the work. My grades went from hero to zero, from excelling to not even passing. I was in shock as to how this was happening yet I couldn't seem to control it, no matter how hard I tried. Friends that had joined me from high school to this sixth form were doing just fine, but I wasn't, and I felt like a complete let-down.

It got to the point where my brain fog was so bad that I was literally falling asleep in classes, I couldn't concentrate, focus or pay attention to what was being said. I'd zone out so quickly. My life was literally passing me by. I had no control or grip upon it. This continued to worsen. When me and my sister would attend science lectures after school, my Dad would pick us up and ask us in the car to summarise the lecture. My sister, being talkative by nature would always answer and tell him what the lecture was about. Once, my Dad asked me to summarise the lecture instead. I had zoned out completely and couldn't remember any of it, and struggled to think of anything to say. He got so frustrated at me and started shouting and saying what's the point of you attending if you don't pay attention. I'll never forget that moment.

My parents were always frustrated by my brain fog- I'd zone out quickly, I wouldn't speak much, I'd forget things easily, which my Mum hated. She'd tell me to do a specific chore and I'd forget and she'd think I was just making it up so I wouldn't have to do it. There was just so much pain associated with my teenage years. It's like we all suspected, at the back of our minds, that something, anything, was wrong, but we just didn't know what.

I saw this tweet (below) recently which made so much sense to me, and helped me understand. I was definitely not born hypothyroid (as that's the congenital type, all babies are tested at birth). The type that I have is called "Hashimoto's " or the autoimmune type; where the body's immune system attacks the thyroid. I still don't know whether or not this runs in my family, but I suspect not. I recently found out that my Grandad is hypothyroid, and was diagnosed five years ago. It came as a bit of a shock. My Mum went to visit him, and he was asking about me saying: "Is she still fat?" and my Mum was like actually, she's hypothyroid, and then my Grandad was like I've got that too, and I've had it for five years. But, anyway, age seven or eight was definitely when the weight gain kicked in, so I suspect I've had it since then.

  

Over the next two years, the brain fog was still present. It's difficult because it's a subjective thing, that is hard to explain, only I know how I was feeling and what was going on. I thought post-diagnosis that this magic tiny white pill would make all the pain go away, almost instantaneously. But it didn't.

Now I feel like I've finally got my life, my destiny and my future back on track. I feel like a kid who wandered down the aisles in the supermarket, looking for Mummy desperately. I feel like a train that de-railed momentarily and is finally in motion again. Basically, I was just so lost, but I finally feel as if I have some direction in my life now. I don't want to speak too soon. But my grades have been pretty good this year, and I'm so thankful for that. As geeky as it sounds, my grades are a big part of my life, so I finally feel as if I'm getting my life back. The "old me" is back. Maybe it is the subject, but I finally feel like I'm enjoying what I study; I was destined to study this. The brain fog is still here, part of me thinks it will never leave, but it is undoubtedly much less than it was pre-diagnosis.

It's hard to block out all the pain, just erase it all and give yourself a new identity post-diagnosis. It's like what Lorraine Williams said in her latest post; it's about re-definining yourself.

**post title taken from Linkin Park, Somewhere I belong

HHH update

I am currently being held at gunpoint by my sister as we speak. Only joking! What I meant was she has been urging me for a while to blog, and mehh I just haven't felt like doing it. But here goes! The following is a mish-mash of nonsenical trivial things currently occupying my life :

• The thyroid side of life isn't so good. I suspect I still am not on the correct dose, as I just don't feel right, and I feel still very underactive. I really need a blood test Asap and inshaAllah will do soon. Please make du'a for me
• The main reason I don't feel right is brain fog; I really would like a clear mind back, I just can't seem to think properly and clearly enough and concentrate on stuff, which brings me to my next point
• I'm stressed about driving; I passed my theory but I've had around 2 instructors so far and my main problem is my lack of focus/concentration during lessons, and it's really frustrating. I feel as if I'm dyslexic or have a learning difficulty, but of course due to the lack of awareness of thyroid disease, I won't get the relevant report. Anyway, my theory expires in June 2011 but I'm having surgery on my left hand in December InshaAllah. So when do I pick up my driving, will I ever pass and be able to concentrate properly? arghh...
• It's bugging me that the "Arabs" are celebrating Eid on Tuesday and the rest of us I.e. South Asian Hindo-Pak Subcontinent are celebrating it on Wednesday. Why can we not just do it on the same day??!
• I seem to still have major confidence issues, especially talking in front of a small group of people, I get so stressed out about it and I wasn't like this last year. Maybe it's because this year our presentations are in groups, and last year they were individual. But yeah, I need to work on that. Plus when we're in tutorial and I have to speak I feel like everyone's looking at me and I get all flustered!
• I got rejected from a HSBC summer internship :(( waaaahh! I really wanted it
• I learnt today the extent to which I inconvenience myself so as not to inconvenience others. Ie. I go out of my way to help others so they don't suffer, but in turn I do.
• I have two painful blisters on my feet since my trainers have pretty much fallen apart, and I need new, better quality ones. 
• Having uber wide feet sucks big time and I have resigned myself to a life of trainers, which is tres cool but other footwear would be nice
• All I really want to do is set up my own business and make a fortune, but I'm doubting my abilities to do that since the last time I did was pre-diagnosis
• Either my scales are effed up or my weight really is yo-yo-ing/fluctuating
• I love those people who dress so eccentrically and couldn't care less what people think about them
• I seem to scare guys as they feebly ask "can I please sit next to you?" in lecture. Erm, I don't bite! Do I look like R-Pattz?!
• I love computers since they are so simple and easy to understand, unlike humans they are so complex subhanallah
• I took the fact that I can Alhamdulillah read and write with little trouble for granted until I watched a programme just now about dyslexia, which brough back memories of when I got tested for dyslexia last year ( I don't have it )

That is all. I'd just like to say thanks to the new followers, it makes my day seeing that number increase each time, so thanks :))) 

I'm...hypothyroid?

So I know what you're thinking, umm, you already know I'm hypothyroid. But a recent blood test showed my levels of TSH and T4 hormones mean my thyroid is actually under active. My last blood test showed I was over active.

So, obviously, this means another dose change. I've gone up from 75 mcg to 100 now. I know I'll feel "rough" for a while, and it'll take me a while to get used to the new dose.. it's just frustrating how I cant seem to get my levels right. And this isnt just minor adjustments, I'm wayy too underactive right now. And last time, I was wayyy too overactive. And neither felt right. Just make du'a that I get there one day, InshaAllah. Apparently, Imay never get it right, and im always going to have dose changes for the rest of my life.

"Hey thyroid!!" (looks at neck)
"Till death do us part!!! "

(*sighh*)

I realllllyyy would not wish this disease on anyone.. not even my worst enemies.. not that i have any!

umm... starting uni tomorrow InshaAllah. Ive done a year at uni already, so im not a complete "fresher" but ive changed courses and uni's, going to be studying Business Economics, inshallah. I'm realllyy not feelin it, probs cos of the dose change but I'm just not in the mood.. for some reason. I'm sure ill be fine once i get there and meet everyone etc.

Anyways, I'm off *yawn*-neeed sleeeeeeeepp! *eyelids droop* 

PS, i love this song right now :) I love his image :D plus he shouted me out on twitter. but yeah, it's a great song

I could really use a wish right now

On the 2nd July, the consultation between my GP, Mum and myself went a little like this:
GP: Your recent blood test showed that your TSH levels are suppressed and you have too much free T4 which has gone up to 27

Me: :O

My Mum: but she's been on 100mcg for over a year and she's fine

GP: well you have too much free T4 and you are now actually in the hyper-thyroid range

Me: :O

GP: I suggest that you decrease the dose to 75 mcg as you are getting too much. *types prescription and prints it out* 

Mum: *sigh*  - insert dialogue about low energy levels, no exercise, fatigue etc..


GP: well all of this cannot be related to her thyroid as she actually has too much T4.
(looks at me). exercise actually creates energy you know, you've got to start doing some sort of physical activity. you will feel tonnes better

Me: :O, *yawn and nod submissively and wonder what the hell Im doing there*

Mum: (will not take no for an answer) well then WHY is she feeling like this?

GP: *sigh* I really don't know (looks at the clock and the door, hinting at us to make an exit)

Mum: (turns towards me) well what do you think about all this

Me: well I'm feeling very outnumbered at the minute. (the tears start coming) none of you seem to understand or care what it's like for me. I feel like you're just messing with my thyroid and its me who has to deal with this

GP: well what do you want me to do then? refer you to the carpal tunnel clinic now? (she thought it was because I was on the wrong dose and that it would magically "disappear")

Me:  I don't know

Mum: Yes I think that's her best option

GP: *types and prints out appointment sheet* looks at me and says I'm very offended with the phrase "messing with your thyroid"- I would never ever mess with anyone's thyroid

Me: *sniff* I'm sorry if you're offended but that's exactly what it feels like!!

GP: hands me the appointment sheet

Me & Mum: say thank you & run out the door

Two weeks after being on 75mcg I feel absolutely awful. Im in some limbo swinging between hyper and hypo, I feel all hot and cold, soemtimes really hungry and sometimes loss of appetite, very dizzy, nauseaus, frequent migraines.

Return to the GP. She says I should alternate: one day 75, one day 100. And then do a blood test to assess where the levels are at. I've been doing this for a few days and I still feel awful. It's like I'm up and down, up and down. I really have no idea what to do now. Everyday is such a struggle and I can't take it, sometimes it feels like too much. I feel constantly high, my brain and body do not feel connected. It's almost narcotic. I'm so dizzy all the time but I've been there before and I don't understand what's causing it. I hope Inshallah it does get better, and I don't want Ramadhan or uni to be disrupted. About the carpal tunnel, I have a definite diagnosis. I have some nerve conduction tests soon and my Dr thinks surgery is my only option. I'm slightly apprehensive but I'm sure it will be OK. 

Need your dua's  xxx

life begins now

Recently i had a blood test for TSH and T4. Ive been on 100mcg of Levothyroxine for absolutely ages- more than a year now. The results came back and it turns out that I have too much free T4 and my TSH is way too low- what they call suppressed.

So my dose, as of Saturday, has been decreased to 75 mcg. So far Ive been getting headaches, nausea, dizziness and a decrease of appetitie. I can't tell how much to eat and also Im feeling all hot and cold and I dont know what to wear.

This usually happens with a change in dose, particularly an increase. As I have been away at uni for a year I havent had the chance to have a blood test until the summer. I didnt come back home during the Easter, despite my Mum saying I should have a blood test.

Im annoyed because it seems that I could have been on too much medication for a while, and there didnt seem to be any urgency on my Doctors part to decrease my meds quickly. After I had the blood test, I had to phone in and ask for the results. The receptionist just told me my thyroid results were nothing to worry about and the GP just wanted a telephone consultation. Had I not gone in to see her the next day (cos of something else) she would have waited until I had the telephone consultation!!

I remember saying to the doctor "stop messing with my thyroid" to which she took offence and claimed she would never mess with anyone's thyroid. I apologised to her, however, those words were exactly what I felt she was doing. She reminded me that from time to time an individuals need for thyroid hormone changes, therefore, I will always need to re-adjust the dose. My Mum was happy that at least I could adjust to the new dose in the holidays and it wouldnt interfere with uni.

I feel that again my thryoid has interfered with my chances of doing well at uni, cos although I passed foundation year , I didnt get what I needed to do medicine. I have since realised medicine is not for me and will be doing something completely different to science. I realise that whatever happened happened, and I cannot keep blaming my thyroid for everything.

My doctor and my Mum keep telling me that I need to lose weight. And this makes me really angry because I wasnt that fat person who sat there and ate and ate; I didnt do this to myself. I dont feel my weight was self-inflicted. i rememeber saying to my sister "I didnt ask for this to happen to me, I never wanted this." And then I remembered no-one asks for crap to happen in their lives, it simply just happens. This verse from Eminem's Beautiful sums it up:

"Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt, we gotta take these cards ourselves and flip 'em, don't expect no help..."

And that's just it. We get dealt something and it's up to us to find a way out. we might have support of family and friends, but ultimately it has to be us, or me that does it.

And everytime I think about losing weight I seem to hit a brick wall. I know that my past experiences of losing weight have not succeeded as I wasnt diagnosed, and I havent properly tried since then to lose it. Although I initially said I had accpeted my condition- I actually havent

This year has taught me that not going to the doctor and not going for blood tests is not a form of dealing with it, it's ignoring my condition and not keeping it in check. ive got to attend appointments and do things proactively to combat my condition. Its not about saying oh ive accepted it by simply ignoring it, getting on with life, and pretending everythings fine. How did I get it so wrong?

I think Im gonna need some form of counselling before I begin to attempt to lose weight again. Although this blog has been very therapeutic, I think talking is the only option for me.

In two programmes now, people have said that in order to lose weight, first you have to "love yourself." Ive been thinking about this, and it really confused me. Surely I would love myself after Ive lost the weight as Id be much happier. but it has to be done before. And ive been thinking about what it means to love yourself and how I would do it. I know that I have never loved myself truly. At the back of my mind, I always think because I dont like my body I wont do things for myself. Although I appear to be happy, I have low self-worth. I am not in tune or in unison with my body. And I dont know how to be. Part of it is me, and part is the society we live in, even the slimmest of people say they are fat and they hate themeselves. I feel it might be impossible because my Mother is very harsh on me and it feels like she's always pushing me to do things. I dont completely hate myself, I know my character and my strengths and weaknesses. But I dont love myself either. And I need to sort this out pronto. As I have learnt that to be loved, you must first love yourself.

I lie awake every night and think about the pain I have been through, particularly during the two years of college. I can never forget it. It just makes me want to cry. The lack of support from friends and teachers, how down in the dumps and lost I truly was. How Id wear make up everyday to look beautiful anlthough I never felt beautiful. I always think of my high school days and my childhood, of how Ive had this condition for years and it has been lying dormant, slowly eating away at me and runing my life. And then it hit me. Although Id like to get that time back, realistically, I cannot. Ive got to forget the pain but let it make me stronger. Ive got to learn from what happened and move on. Yes I have lost so many years of my life due to this, but life begins now for me.

I can't afford to lose anymore time by just dwelling in the past and feeling sorry for my self. Ive got to get out there, and grasp everything with both hands and really live my life as best I can.Life is full of ups and downs but Ive been down too long and need to really get back up. Ive gotta make something of myself that I can be proud of. My doctor always says that its unforunate I had this at such a young age as it has knocked years off my life, which is a lot for someone younger, but for someone older who has done what they wanted and then got it, a few years doesnt seems like much.

Also: regarding the CTS my GP thinks it might be because my meds were too high. She's referred me to a specialist clinic and the appointment is next week.

Suspected CTS (carpal tunnel syndrome)

A few weeks ago, I was doing my lab report and I was making notes from my sister's textbook. A few pages after the page I was reading was the section on thyroids, so I was like, why not have a sneaky peek? I have to learn it for my exam anyway and I wanted to see if they had some good info on it. I saw this picture of two women and one was hyper and one was hypothyroid. They had labelled different parts of the body with symptoms eg. dry skin. For the hypothyroid one, there was a label pointing to the fingers saying "carpal tunnel syndrome." I asked my sister what it was. First she said I shouldn't be reading up "about myself" and I could tell from her face she had NO clue what it was but she said something like.. oh you don't have it, it's short fat fingers. Naturally, I wasn't convinced.

So I began to google "carpal tunnel syndrome." Ill sum it up for you here:

Carpal Tunnel syndrome (CTS) is caused by compression of the median nerve (which is in the carpal tunnel) of the wrist. The main symptoms are tingling, pain, burning sensations or numbness of the index and middle fingers particularly. Pain can also develop in the hands and arms and patients may have difficulty gripping objects. Symptoms may increase at night.

Most cases of CTS are unknown. However, common conditions that cause CTS are obesity, pregnancy, hypothyroidism, arthritis, diabetes and trauma. The reason why its more common in hypothyrodism is because we have a tendency to retain fluid in our tissues and it is not drained correctly (this is also the case with pregnancy)

There are many simple tests the GP can carry out in order to try to re-create the symtpoms of CTS. If theyre not convinced, or generally, they may send you for further electrical nerve testing, to determine if there is any permanent damage to the median nerve

There are many treatments including wrist splints to be worn at night, corticosteroid injections, carpal tunnel release surgery (if nothing else works), physiotherapy and painkillers.

It is a form of repetitive strain injury and is caused by repetitive movements

I definitely think I have this, and I know I've had it for a number of years, even before my diagnosis of hypothyroidism. I have very weak arms and shoulders and they are always hurting. At night, the CTS wakes me up as I'll get a sudden burning of my hand because I slept on it and it's like extreme pins and needles. I will have to shake my hand out or press it gently for some time until the symptoms go. My hands can randomly fall asleep, and symptoms worsen if I hold my head with my hand(s) and if Im typing non-stop for a long time, for example for assignments. My wrists hurt a lot too. I can't hold anything too heavy for example bags when shopping as my arms get tired easily. I remember when my baby brother was born I couldn't hold him for a very long time in the cradled position without resting my arm on the sofa etc. my fingers generally are very swollen especially at the fingertips- this is something I only recently noticed. I think I have it in both arms but it may be worse in the left. If Im wearing a shoulder bag and the weight is one one side, the other arm will fall asleep. I may have to invest in a good rucksack but I do love my bags- I have one too many!

I have suspected for over a week now, and when Im sleeping I try to avoid putting pressure on my hand or arm, but sometimes it cant be helped and now I find sleeping very uncomfortable. I dont want to worsen the symptoms as I have a considerable amount of written revision and three exams to sit yet. Two of them are MCQ (multiple choice) so they should be ok, but one is written which I am slightly worried about as my hand tends to fall asleep.

Suspecting CTS has kind of put me back to square one in terms of accepting my hypothyroidism. In previous posts, I have mentioned how I feel I have completely accepted my condition. This has put me back to the start in some senses as I feel that I have caused this myself. Me being overweight and hypothyroid has put pressure on my nerve for some time now. I feel like it is my fault and I was even comparing this to a smoker who develops emphysema and wastes NHS resources when it is a self-caused illness. I feel angry at my doctors for not asking me just to double-check as they asked me about allll the other symptoms of hypothyroidism, just not this one. it should be a routine thing they ask. Perhaps Im just looking for someone to blame, when no-one is to blame really. At least I have found out now. However, some other conditions can mimick CTS symptoms so Im worried that it may be something else all together, although Im pretty sure it's this. I'm annoyed at myself for not going to my doctor sooner, I remember years ago mentioning to my mum that I have such weak arms and always get pins and needles and she said oh you may have a trapped nerve, (as her friend had it and had to have surgery) but somehow, we never saw the doctor about it.

My dilemma is this; do I see the doctor now or wait until after exams. The reason why this dilemma has arisen in the fact that I only have two and a half weeks till my exams finish, and I cannot afford to waste time with appoitnments and clinics. Do I see the doctor first to get a diagnosis or wait? Im not sure. I think I should tell my family first- especially Mum as Mums do know best- and see what they think. But Im more inclined to wait till exams are over. Im just worried about worsening the symptoms and am always aware of putting pressure on my nerve. I feel that its eating away at me inside as I havent told anyone and am unsure of what to do. I think I will tell my family tomorrow and then we'll decide what to do .

Back to revision for me now, wish me luck!! :) x

The worst symptom

Dear Thyroid post statuses on their facebook page asking things. Once they asked what the worst symptom was. I, and many others replied with the deadly F word:

FATIGUE!

My top 3 worst symptoms would be:

1. fatigue
2. weight gain
3. dry skin/dandruff

There are many other symptoms I experience along with these, but most of them are under control. The biggest one two years ago would have been brain fog. During lessons/lectures I could not concentrate for more than 5 mins, no exaggeration. I would dose off and day-dream, or be looking at the teacher, but zoned out for a while. And when I would return, nothing would make sense. But that has got much better, and at uni,  I have learnt the key is to make notes when the lecturer speaks and aim to write down almost everything he/she says. It works!

Anyway, let me talk to you about fatigue and why it's the worst. It's important for me , at uni, to be constantly alert and to keep going for as long as I can, especially during revision and busy assignment periods (the latter of which is ALWAYS!). At times I will sleep for 8 hours and still be tired during the day aroung 5/6pm. Then I'll need a nap, then I'll be like it's too late to take a nap. The next thing I know, I had a nap and it's now 10 pm. I do work,  I go to bed late the next day, and then obviously; I'm tired. Obviously living the student life, my sleep pattern isn't what it used to be, but in comparison to others, I feel like I have no stamina. I'll be sat in front of the laptop at 9pm, having slept 8 hours the previous night, zoning out and not being able to concentrate.

Little things tire me out also. Running errands, going shopping, cooking. Anything and everything. I have the inability to keep going. If I sleep for a few hours more, it doesn't really help. I always am feeling constantly tired and drained. At uni I try to disguise this because people will think im boring if im sat there tired and not talking. So I seem to go into over-drive at uni, and I am quite hyper and talkative, just to make up for it. And then as soon as I get back to my flat, I'm knackered.

This has taught me, and I'm still learning, that the key is, as cliched as it sounds:

to pace yourself out

Don't have short bursts of energy at uni or shopping, just take it slow/easy all the time. That way, you will conserve your energy. I am hopefully going to be working on this in the coming weeks and I'll let you know how it goes.

ZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZ

Approaching Anniversary

It has almost (two weeks to go!) been two years since my diagnosis of hypothyroidism.

I have come a long way, but still have a long way more to go. "Sometimes I feel like shit, sometimes I wanna quit and just be normal for a bit " (Fort Minor, where'd you go) but overall, I feel so much better.

For the first time in two years, I feel like I have accepted my hypothyroidism.
I am no longer fighting or ignoring it, but acknowledging the fact that this will be with me with the rest of my life- whether I like it or not. It's up to me to deal with this, and as long as I put my mind to it, I can do anything.

1. It started off happy- to have finally found the answers to all my problems in life. It then became a struggle for survival as I experienced side-effects to the medication. I felt like a baby again, I was back to square one. Although I blame my thyroid for pretty much everything, I could not accept the fact that I had this condition. I blamed it for ruining my AS results, for preventing me from getting to uni. But I did not realise the sooner I accepted it, the quicker I would be able to move on with my life. 
2. The middle part was a bit of a blur. From vertigo to anaemia to vitamin D defiiciency to insomnia.. this part was one hell of a rollercoaster! I honestly do not know how I got through it all alive! 
3. The final part was at uni. I had moved out and realised that I was going to have to take care of myself and take responsibility for once in my life. It was a struggle at first, but moving out and uni have made me a better person. Even though I'm nearing the end of my first year, I have learnt so much. I have become more confident, stronger in faith and I believe in myself now.

I pray that this feeling lasts or maybe gets stronger. And I seek comfort in the fact that God has put me through this as a test, and he knows that I can get through this, so if he believes I can do this, then I should. I feel like celebrating, doing something special this year. Cutting a cake! anything! It is definitely cause for celebration! :)


 I want a butterfly cake. This one looks yummy

This one looks easy to make- a load of cream with smarties on it! haha

This one is perfeccctt!

In case you're wondering what's with all the butterflies, the thyorid gland has been said to resemble a butterfly...

Sunday 28th March will be my second year anniversary.

Invisible no more

Invisible No More™ is a slogan created by Liz Schau, for "Dear Thyroid" as part of their thyroid awareness bracelets. The front looks like this:   and the back has "invisible no more" written on it.

They are sending them out for free (yay!) and I can't wait to get mine ( http://dearthyroid.org/dear-thyroid-dish/awareness-bands/ )

I love Dear Thyroid, and I wrote it on my hand the other day randomly cos I felt like it:

Anyways, I just wanted to talk about what invisible no more means to me. Thyroid disease is a chronic, but unseen condition. If you were to look at somebody- for example me, physically, you cannot tell I have thyroid disease. But if you look at somebody perhaps in a wheelchair or with a facial disfigurement (for example) it is physically obvious that this person has a condition or disability.

For me, the fact that thyroid disease is an unseen illness is a major issue. And I know it is for Dear Thyroid and thyroid-disease.org.uk too. It makes the job of creating and promoting awareness of thyroid disease more significant, yet more difficult. Nobody will look at you and say, oh have you got thyroid disease? The symptoms are so non-specific and almost indistinguishable, which creates confusion and misdiagnosis.

From an Islamic perspective, I have come to realise that this is the best illness God could have blessed me with. And I am not being sarcastic. This is because in Islam, patience is very important. And I think any TD sufferer will tell you that patience is the key. It makes me happy and satisfied to know that (God willing) I will be rewarded in the next life for coping with thyroid disease and being patient. Being hypothyroid for me is and always will be a life-long test. And I have to keep going with it. God knows that I can cope with it, because as Muslims, we believe that God does not burden humans with a load that they cannot deal with. He doesn't put them through experiences they cannot tolerate.

Having said all this, Islam does not condemn me to suffer in silence. I have to make my voice heard and do what I can to promote awareness and challenge the diagnosis and treatment of thyroid disease. Because I will be helping people for a greater cause. Before I do any of that, I need to make sure I have accepted and am comfortable with dealing with my condition. Otherwise I cannot preach to others to do the same.

There is a lot of awareness out there for cancer, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, alcohol addiction... the list goes on. And thyroid disease has somehow slipped through this list. I have mentioned earlier that when I was diagnosed, I did not know where a thyroid was- it could have been in my arm for all I knew.

However, thyroid disease is very common. Probably a lot more common than you thought. It is more common in women than in men. I have recently seen some statistics stating that deaths from thyroid related illnesses are up there in the list among cancer and heart disease. And funding for the last two diseases is very high, as they are major health promotion topics. Yet thyroid disease does not get nowhere near enough adequate funding that it needs.

I do not know why this is. All I know is that it is time for change. Revolution is required. It is time for our voices to be heard.

We shall be invisible no more ™.