Thursday, 8 July 2010

life begins now

Recently i had a blood test for TSH and T4. Ive been on 100mcg of Levothyroxine for absolutely ages- more than a year now. The results came back and it turns out that I have too much free T4 and my TSH is way too low- what they call suppressed.

So my dose, as of Saturday, has been decreased to 75 mcg. So far Ive been getting headaches, nausea, dizziness and a decrease of appetitie. I can't tell how much to eat and also Im feeling all hot and cold and I dont know what to wear.

This usually happens with a change in dose, particularly an increase. As I have been away at uni for a year I havent had the chance to have a blood test until the summer. I didnt come back home during the Easter, despite my Mum saying I should have a blood test.

Im annoyed because it seems that I could have been on too much medication for a while, and there didnt seem to be any urgency on my Doctors part to decrease my meds quickly. After I had the blood test, I had to phone in and ask for the results. The receptionist just told me my thyroid results were nothing to worry about and the GP just wanted a telephone consultation. Had I not gone in to see her the next day (cos of something else) she would have waited until I had the telephone consultation!!

I remember saying to the doctor "stop messing with my thyroid" to which she took offence and claimed she would never mess with anyone's thyroid. I apologised to her, however, those words were exactly what I felt she was doing. She reminded me that from time to time an individuals need for thyroid hormone changes, therefore, I will always need to re-adjust the dose. My Mum was happy that at least I could adjust to the new dose in the holidays and it wouldnt interfere with uni.

I feel that again my thryoid has interfered with my chances of doing well at uni, cos although I passed foundation year , I didnt get what I needed to do medicine. I have since realised medicine is not for me and will be doing something completely different to science. I realise that whatever happened happened, and I cannot keep blaming my thyroid for everything.

My doctor and my Mum keep telling me that I need to lose weight. And this makes me really angry because I wasnt that fat person who sat there and ate and ate; I didnt do this to myself. I dont feel my weight was self-inflicted. i rememeber saying to my sister "I didnt ask for this to happen to me, I never wanted this." And then I remembered no-one asks for crap to happen in their lives, it simply just happens. This verse from Eminem's Beautiful sums it up:

"Nobody asked for life to deal us with these bullshit hands we're dealt, we gotta take these cards ourselves and flip 'em, don't expect no help..."

And that's just it. We get dealt something and it's up to us to find a way out. we might have support of family and friends, but ultimately it has to be us, or me that does it.

And everytime I think about losing weight I seem to hit a brick wall. I know that my past experiences of losing weight have not succeeded as I wasnt diagnosed, and I havent properly tried since then to lose it. Although I initially said I had accpeted my condition- I actually havent

This year has taught me that not going to the doctor and not going for blood tests is not a form of dealing with it, it's ignoring my condition and not keeping it in check. ive got to attend appointments and do things proactively to combat my condition. Its not about saying oh ive accepted it by simply ignoring it, getting on with life, and pretending everythings fine. How did I get it so wrong?

I think Im gonna need some form of counselling before I begin to attempt to lose weight again. Although this blog has been very therapeutic, I think talking is the only option for me.

In two programmes now, people have said that in order to lose weight, first you have to "love yourself." Ive been thinking about this, and it really confused me. Surely I would love myself after Ive lost the weight as Id be much happier. but it has to be done before. And ive been thinking about what it means to love yourself and how I would do it. I know that I have never loved myself truly. At the back of my mind, I always think because I dont like my body I wont do things for myself. Although I appear to be happy, I have low self-worth. I am not in tune or in unison with my body. And I dont know how to be. Part of it is me, and part is the society we live in, even the slimmest of people say they are fat and they hate themeselves. I feel it might be impossible because my Mother is very harsh on me and it feels like she's always pushing me to do things. I dont completely hate myself, I know my character and my strengths and weaknesses. But I dont love myself either. And I need to sort this out pronto. As I have learnt that to be loved, you must first love yourself.

I lie awake every night and think about the pain I have been through, particularly during the two years of college. I can never forget it. It just makes me want to cry. The lack of support from friends and teachers, how down in the dumps and lost I truly was. How Id wear make up everyday to look beautiful anlthough I never felt beautiful. I always think of my high school days and my childhood, of how Ive had this condition for years and it has been lying dormant, slowly eating away at me and runing my life. And then it hit me. Although Id like to get that time back, realistically, I cannot. Ive got to forget the pain but let it make me stronger. Ive got to learn from what happened and move on. Yes I have lost so many years of my life due to this, but life begins now for me.

I can't afford to lose anymore time by just dwelling in the past and feeling sorry for my self. Ive got to get out there, and grasp everything with both hands and really live my life as best I can.Life is full of ups and downs but Ive been down too long and need to really get back up. Ive gotta make something of myself that I can be proud of. My doctor always says that its unforunate I had this at such a young age as it has knocked years off my life, which is a lot for someone younger, but for someone older who has done what they wanted and then got it, a few years doesnt seems like much.

Also: regarding the CTS my GP thinks it might be because my meds were too high. She's referred me to a specialist clinic and the appointment is next week.

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